Cereal Offense
by OscarInTheCan
Summary: An electrical storm, a doublewide surrounded by power lines, and a cabinet full of cereal. What can go wrong? Edward and Bella are about to have an interesting night. A ridiculous cereal crackfic I submitted to Fics for Nashville.


"Baby, it looks awful out there. Are you sure we're gonna be okay with that antenna on the roof?" Bella asked as she clambered in the door of their doublewide holding the basket of laundry she just pulled off the line.

"Yeah, it should be fine," Edward said, emerging from their tiny, makeshift bedroom, pulling a wifebeater down over the frayed waistband of his old jeans with a cigarette hanging from his lips. "And it's over the kitchen if anything happens anyway."

"You can't go outside to smoke that. The wind has picked up a lot and it's going to rain any second. And you're not smoking it in here."

"Fine," Edward scoffed. He removed the cigarette from his lips and put it on the table. Instead, he made his way to the kitchen and removed a jar of pickles from the cabinet.

"I ran into Alice outside," Bella said offhandedly. Edward stood there, struggling to get the lid off, grunting lightly while Bella talked. "She spent a full five minutes going on and on about how ugly our curtains are, and how they're eyesores, before I could shut her up."

"Oh yeah?" Edward grunted again while still wrestling with the lid.

"Yeah, but unfortunately I asked her about the top she was wearing. So then I had to listen to her ramble on about some fancy-ass designer she loves at Target. Oh, no, I'm sorry, '_Tarjay_.'" Bella mocked using air quotes. "She's such a fucking trailer snob."

"Got it!" Edward shouted once he finally divested the jar of its metallic cover.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Alice is a snobby, heinous bitch. Yeah, I heard you." Edward shoved a pickle in his mouth, satisfied in hearing the crunch it made. Bella sidled up to him and attempted to reach into the jar only to have her hand popped lightly by Edward who scowled, clutched the jar to his chest, and declared, "Mine!"

Bella rolled her eyes at how possessive Edward could be, even over something as stupid as a pickle. She, however, knew how to work her man. She looked up, turning the full force of her wide, chocolate orbs on him. "Please?"

He knew he could deny her nothing when she looked at him like that. It always reminded him of Puss In Boots from the _Shrek_ movies and he was putty in her hands. So he fished around in the jar for the largest pickle and gave it to her with a smile. She smiled back at him as she wrapped her tiny hand around its massive length and chomped into it happily. As she chewed she happened to look into the cabinet that was still opened beside her.

"Edward, why do we have so many boxes of cereal?"

He cringed and looked into the cabinet trying to buy some time before answering. "I like variety, love."

"What does . . ." Bella started before her brain processed Edward's full statement. "Love? Where did that come from?"

"Sorry, I was just trying it out," he said sheepishly with a shrug.

"It makes you sound like such a pretentious jackass."

"Well, The Beatles said it," he defended, pouting.

"Yeah, well, let's just leave that shit with them," Bella said as she turned back to the cabinet. "And they're all name brand! Edward, we're not the fucking Rockefellers. We can't afford this!"

"Sometimes a guy just has to treat himself!" Edward exclaimed, scandalized by the prospect of not being able to enjoy his beloved cereal. "They're like my own personal brands of heroin."

"Heroin is probably cheaper," Bella mumbled as she reached in to grab a box. Again, Edward lightly knocked her hand away.

"Mine!"

"You have so many issues." She rolled her eyes and finished the last of her pickle. "I'm going to bed." She turned from him to move toward the bedroom but his arms wrapping around her waist stopped her.

"Hmm, think I'll join you," he whispered into her ear.

She smacked his hands away from her and loudly exclaimed, "Mine!" in a singsong voice before darting off into the bedroom.

Edward trailed after her, pouting again. "Aww, come on!" he cried as a rumble of thunder ripped through the quiet night that surrounded them.

After some Tab A into Slot B loving, the pair laid quietly in bed until Bella voiced one of the many thoughts flying through her head after another clap of thunder broke the post-coital silence. "Seriously, are we going to be okay with that antenna and living under power lines? It just seems like a disaster waiting to happen."

"Babe, we're going to be fine. Stop worrying so much." Edward yawned, glad that she had not figured out that the real reason he installed the antenna was to unscramble the Playboy channel and not to get them a better signal.

"Don't call me 'babe.' I'm not a pig in the city, and you're not an eighties, yuppie douchebag," Bella chastised sleepily before she was out.

"Hmm, whatever," Edward said as he, too, drifted off to sleep.

o§o§o

While Edward and Bella slept, the storm quickly passed over the area. It was about to move past them completely when a bolt of lightning struck one of the power lines surrounding the trailer park. The current traveled through the line closest to their trailer where the pull of the antenna Edward had installed over the kitchen caused the current to jump, strike the antenna, and travel directly into the cabinet below containing Edward's cereal.

Upon hearing the lightning hit, Edward sat bolt upright in bed, terrified. "Bella?" he whispered. He looked over at her to see if the lightning strike had awoken her as well but she was sound asleep. Bella always slept like the dead but he didn't know how she could have slept through a noise like that.

"Mmm, moist folds . . ." she moaned. Edward cocked his head wondering what the hell she was dreaming about. "No, no! It's my b-o-l-o-g-n-a!" she shrieked, reaching out and pawing at the air. Edward shook his head at his wife's crazy sleep mumbling, not knowing if he would ever get used to it. He briefly wondered why her sleep talk always sounded vaguely sexual before thinking about the lightning again, knowing he was being childish. Nothing seemed wrong so he decided to man-up and go back to sleep.

As soon as he had settled in again, a piercing sound of ripping metal rang out and the entire trailer began to shake violently. Within seconds he was out of bed flying around the room and flapping his arms like Chicken Little. Bella, unable to sleep through such violent tremors, was kneeling on the bed whipping her head around wildly.

The shaking and noise ceased as quickly as it started, and Bella and Edward were left wide-eyed and breathing hard, wondering what just happened. Bella shakily climbed from the bed to grab onto Edward. "What in the fuck just happened?" she asked, burying her face into his chest.

"I have no fucking clue; that couldn't have been lightning like before."

"There was lightning before?"

"Focus! What was that?"

"Didn't we just cover the fact that I DON'T KNOW?" Bella screeched, getting more scared and agitated by the moment. "Let's just go out there and look around."

The pair slowly crept out of their bedroom and was immediately met with a gaping hole in their trailer where the kitchen used to be. The trailer had been split down the side from floor to ceiling. It looked like it had been peeled back like a sardine can. Bella and Edward walked to the edge of the hole, mouths agape, unable to comprehend what could have done this to their home.

"What in the name of all that is holy?" Edward gasped as Bella shook her head, mute. Looking down, she noticed Froot Loops at her feet. She looked up at the destroyed cabinet and back down at the cereal she noticed led away from their trailer.

"Edward, look," she whispered, pointing to the cereal in question, and tracing its path with her finger. "Why . . . what?"

"I don't know, let's follow it." They gingerly leapt out of the hole, avoiding the jagged edges, and began walking. As they followed the trail of Froot Loops Bella listed what they knew. "Okay, there was a lightning strike. The kitchen is gone. The trailer is ripped apart. There is a random trail of cereal . . . I think I know what this is."

At this point, they were in the middle of the open area in the center of the trailers. Edward's back was to their trailer and he spun Bella to face him. "Say it," he said, grabbing her shoulders as if to shake her. "Out loud!"

Eyes wide, not looking at Edward but over his right shoulder she whispered frantically, "Froot Loops Monster!"

Following her gaze, Edward whipped around only to find himself gaping up at an eight-foot beast with two feet, two arms, and a head composed entirely of Froot Loops. Before he could truly comprehend what he was seeing, similar monsters made of Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, and Golden Grahams suddenly surrounded them.

Spinning around, Edward started to scream like a little girl while Bella gasped and flushed bright red. They quickly found they had nowhere to run.

"You and your cereal, Edward! Oh my God, what are we going to do?"

"I promise, " Edward pleaded, "if we get out of this alive I will never eat cereal again! I don't care how much they tempt me with their tasty, crunchy, sugary, marshmallowy . . ."

"EDWARD, FOCUS!" Bella screamed as the Golden Grahams monster reached for her. She yelped and lunged behind Edward to get out of its reach.

Of three things she was absolutely certain: First, they were going to end up on the news. Second, there was a part of these monsters that definitely wanted to rip them apart. Third, she was irrevocably pissed off with Edward for spending their money on something that was now going to kill them.

"N-nice cereal m-monsters," Edward stuttered looking at each of them in turn.

"What are you doing?" Bella hissed from behind him.

"Maybe if I talk nice to them they'll leave us alone."

Bella felt her palm hit her face before she could stop herself. "Edward, they're cereal monsters. What makes you think they understand us?"

"I don't know! I have to do something to save us." He began looking around for some sort of weapon that might be lying around but he wasn't seeing anything useful other than clotheslines, hoses, and trash cans.

"WHAT DO YOU TWO LOSERS THINK YOU'RE DOING?" screeched the high-pitched, nasal voice belonging to their tiny neighbor. In their panic they hadn't noticed that Alice had emerged from her trailer in a knee-length satin robe and feathery kitten-heel slippers. Alice, in her irritation, somehow did not notice the giant cereal monsters.

She bore down on Bella and Edward and ignored their wild gesturing to the beasts around them. "Do you have any idea what time it is? Some of us actually care about getting our beauty sleep. And I can't get it if you're out here screaming!" Alice finished as she eyed Bella.

"Actually, that was Edwa –"

"Whatever," Alice dismissed her with a raised palm. "It is bad enough that you two insist on walking around here dressed like bums, and keeping those curtains that, quite frankly, make my eyes bleed . . ." Alice's voice was rising with each word and she was still not paying attention. ". . . but now you're out here screaming like idiots!"

At the sound of her voice the beasts focused entirely on her and began tightening their circle. Bella and Edward took this opportunity to start backing up slowly so they didn't draw the monsters' attention back to them.

"Where are you going? Don't back away when I'm talking to yoAAAAAAHHHHH!" The Cocoa Puffs monster took a hold of her arm. Each monster grabbed an appendage and soon Alice was screaming her head off as she was pulled in between them. The Golden Grahams monster, positioned closest to her head, growled loudly and swiftly chomped down on her head, ripping it clean off.

Bella was torn between snorting and screaming and Edward was rendered mute. The Golden Grahams beast, covered in blood, yanked on her body at the same time the rest of the monsters let go and backed away. Golden Grahams fell backward and was impaled on the stake of a clothesline. It suddenly exploded and the entire area was covered in the cereal.

Relieved that the more blood thirsty of the beasts was destroyed, Edward grabbed a hose and Bella scrambled to turn it on. _They were made of cereal, right? They get soggy in liquid!_ Edward was poised with the flowing hose but he hesitated.

"Edward, what are you doing? They're going to eat us, too!"

"I don't think they will . . ."

"What? We just watched them kill Alice! Not gonna lie, it was sort of a favor, but it was still pretty brutal and not something I want to happen to us!"

"But that was the Golden Grahams one! These guys didn't do anything."

"Didn't do anything? They were–" Bella's argument died in her throat as the three remaining monsters were abruptly upon them again.

o§o§o

Bella arrived home from work the next day and picked up the paper as she walked from her truck. The headline splashed across the front page was a grim reminder of the previous night.

_**LOCAL WOMAN DEVOURED BY DELICIOUS BREAKFAST CEREAL CREATURE**_

_A devastated Mrs. Brandon wailed, "She survived stranger danger only to perish at the hands of this sugar cereal monster!"_

Alice's death was unfortunate. She was a complete pain in the ass but no one deserved to die that way. On the other hand, she was the only person the creatures killed. They were, apparently, easily annoyed by irritating people. She sort of brought it on herself.

Bella approached their front door, shaking her head at the ugly white tarp covering where the cereal monsters had ripped through the trailer. She had no idea how they were going to fix their home. Her tips were okay but they weren't great. And Edward, well, that was a different story.

She opened the door to the trailer to hear what could only be described as Edward giggling. Entering, she found him sitting on the couch, one leg folded underneath his body, facing the massive form of the Lucky Charms monster. It was turned toward Edward and was shooting heart, stars, horseshoes, clover and blue moon shaped marshmallows from its eyes at the giggling Edward who was trying to catch the sugary treats in his open mouth.

Bella watched the two of them for a few minutes, torn between amusement and irritation. Rolling her eyes she let the door slam shut. "Edward, do you have any idea how much of a mess you two are making? I said we could keep . . ."

"Emmett. I named him Emmett," Edward said with wide-eyed innocence, using Bella's own trick against her, and turning his emerald orbs on her.

Bella couldn't help but roll her eyes again. "Yeah . . . Emmett – but not if the two of you make a mess. We're gonna get ants and then what?"

Edward heaved a great sigh and pushed himself off the couch. "Come on, Em. Let's clean this up and go outside. Maybe we can find the Froot Loops dude!" He pecked Bella on the cheek as he retrieved the broom and dustpan. She flushed, smiled, and shook her head, wondering what she was going to do with them.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you to IngenueFic for betaing this for me and GAW for getting the idea of TrailerParkward stuck in my head a long time ago as I was coming up with this. This partially true story is for daisy3853, who came up with Mrs. Brandon's line and who, thankfully, did not perish at the hands of the real Froot Loop monster.**


End file.
